FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 01, 2005
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at
the Grill House. There will be an open bar & plenty of food We'll
have a small band playing traditional carols .. feel free to sing
along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa
Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among
employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over
$10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pocket. This
gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special
announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you & your family.
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 02, 2005
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which
often coincides w/Christmas, tho unfortunately not this year. However,
from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy
applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still
celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree. No
Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your
enjoyment. Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you & your family.
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 03, 2005
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm
happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that
reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed
to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gift
exchange is allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too
much money & executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: December 04, 2005
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating & drinking
during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can
appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our
Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on
serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package
everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will
that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to
sit farthest from the dessert buffet &
pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are
allowed to sit w/each other. Lesbians do not have to sit w/Gay men,
each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement
for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross
dress, no cross-dressing allowed tho we will have booster seats for
short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We
cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people
w/high blood pressure to taste 1st. There will be fresh fruits as
dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts
Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F***king Employees
DATE: December 05, 2005
RE: The F***ing Holiday Party
Vegetarian pricks I've had it w/you people!!! We're going to keep this
party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit
quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
quaintly put it, & you'll get your f***ing salad bar, including
organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They
scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them
scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk
& die, The Bitch from HELL!!!
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 06, 2005
RE: Patty Lewis & Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
& I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime,
management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party & give everyone
the afternoon of the 23rd off w/full pay.
Happy Holidays!